Wednesday, 01-Sep-1999 21:21:39
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63.14.30.186 writes:
"I really think there's something up there this time!" Visionary insisted.
"I think he's right" Asil added, squinting towards the horizon.
"What a surprise" Fleabot muttered sarcastically. "In any event, even if that isn't another mirage off in the distance, it still looks to be a hell of a long way off… even taking into account the maximum visibility distance considering the curvature of the earth."
"But we're in the Happy Place" Visionary pointed out brilliantly. "Is the Happy Place round?"
The little robot shrugged. "I don't know… which seems happier to you, a flat earth or a round one?"
Visionary gave the question the deep thought it deserved. "Actually, I think a conical one would be happiest…" He paused. "Are our conversations getting stupider, or is it just me?"
"You don't *really* want me to answer that, do you?" the insectiod replied dryly.
Asil cast a dark glare at Fleabot. "The great man is correct" she observed pointedly. "Your conversations are getting a great deal more stupid."
"Um… thanks" Visionary said uncertainly.
The three of them continued their trek in silence through the immense parking lot that was once the Happy Place. Asil took the opportunity to cast a quick glance at her one meager possession beyond the clothes on her back… a cheap digital watch with which the Doody-Head had supplied her before sending her on her quest. (She used to have a map of Iowa as well, but some demonic children had shred it with scythes. Apparently, that kind of thing happened a lot there). The time wasn't that important… not yet anyway. Instead she checked the date.
"Sooooo… Splice-Girl… what's your story, anyway?" Fleabot asked curiously. "We've got some time to kill, it seems."
She scowled at the annoying little parasite, but then noticed that Visionary was paying attention to her as well. Clearing her throat, she said "I was created for the sole purpose of returning the great man to those who need him… what more would you like to know?"
"Um… who exactly explained my… 'greatness'… to you?" Visionary asked politely.
"It was unnecessary to explain it… it is quite obvious." She smiled proudly. "I learned that I was created in the headquarters of a group of world famous heroes… obviously, if they needed you, you had to be more important than any of *them*. So much so that they couldn't entrust the job to themselves… they had to design and germinate someone specifically to come and find you."
"So… you're saying… none of them were willing to do it themselves?" Visionary asked.
"Obviously they felt unworthy" Asil concluded. "Why else would they go to the trouble of creating me?"
She watched as the two of them exchanged uneasy glances. Then Fleabot changed the subject. "Just how did they go about making you, anyway? Um… NTU wasn't involved, was he?" They both looked startled by this idea and took a step backwards, as if she might suddenly burst into flames or something.
Asil looked for a way to change the subject, but saw that the great man was waiting curiously for the answer. She looked at the ground and said quietly. "I was created by the geneticist Moo, from remnant genetic material of the Doody-Hea… er… the one called 'Lisa'."
"Remnant?" Visionary asked.
Asil coughed delicately. "Um… dandruff, to be exact."
He blinked in shocked surprised, but then noticed the flush crawling up her face. "Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of…" he informed her kindly. "After all, you wouldn't even want to know which body part supplies the genetic material for most babies."
"Hmmmm… that's an interesting point. You're not exactly a baby, are you?" Fleabot gave her a thoughtful look. "Just how old are you right now?"
Asil sadly checked her watch again. "Twenty-eight days, nine hours, forty-seven minutes and fifty-two seconds… now."
"You're keeping that exact of a count?" Visionary asked, surprised again. He opened his mouth to say more, but Fleabot quickly cut him off.
"And how did Dr. Moo manage to hatch you to such a mature age?" he asked.
"I… wouldn't know about such things…" Asil answered, lying for the first time in her young life. "I'd… rather not talk any more right now."
"But…" Fleabot began, only to find himself cut off from Visionary this time.
"You know…" he interrupted firmly, "I really think that there is definitely something on the horizon."
Fleabot glanced at him. "Yes…" he conceded quietly, "… and I suppose we'll find out just what it is in due time."
They continued to walk along in silence.
Cheryl was missing the catch. There obviously was one… after living in the Parodyverse for nearly a year they became incredibly easy to see coming. What exactly this particular one was, however, was alluding her. She didn't care for that.
Roni Y. Avis, head of Avis Amalgamated (which, her research had revealed, was the world's largest manufacturer of e-mail spam) droned on in his particularly boring speech, congratulating himself on the latest jewel in his corporate crown, the 'eighth wonder of the world'. Cheryl was guessing that he didn't have a giant monkey chained up somewhere nearby, but she wished he'd get to the point. The Legionnaires she had brought with her were getting antsy, and that usually led to trouble. True, she had practically created a form letter for every type of public relations disaster conceivable, but they still represented more paperwork than she'd prefer to fill out.
Hatman was already slumped in his chair with a sombrero pulled forward over his eyes. Hardly the inconspicuous look she was hoping for, but she had to admit some curiosity as to where he kept that monstrous hat concealed when not in use.
Yo seemed content to hum softly to himself and make shadow puppets on the back of Connie Chung's head in the light of the television cameras. At least he was keeping himself amused (as well as Katie Couric, from the look of things…)
Donar was fidgeting, which wouldn't have been so bad if not for his tremendous size and the relatively tightly packed crowd of reporters. Every little twitch violently jostled the people seated to either side of him. When he went to stretch he accidentally cold-cocked Ted Koppel. Cheryl watched the glassy-eyed 'Nightline' reporter slump senselessly to the floor and made a note to have a nice fruit basket sent to his dressing room at ABC with her compliments.
Unfortunately, the reporter's corps quickly learned to scoot their chairs as far away from the group of Legionnaires as possible, killing any chance Cheryl had for casually extracting information from them. They obviously had gotten wind of something big, but why had the invitation to the Lair Legion left out this information? With all other avenues closed to her, she resigned herself and paid attention to what Mr. Avis was saying. It was with some surprise that she found him babbling about extra-dimensional travel…
"…But why tell you when I can *show* you!" Avis crowed triumphantly. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present the reason we are gathered here today… Avisland!!!" With that he threw a switch on his podium.
The room grew quiet as nothing happened, besides the lamp on the podium going out. The crowd exchanged glances as some employees broke into hesitant applause.
"Um… try the *button*, sir…" his secretary prodded.
"Ah, yes… sorry. Ahem…" Mr. Avis cleared his throat, "Avisland!"
Suddenly a green light blinded Cheryl and a startling, if familiar, feeling swept over her. She glanced ruefully at Yo. The pieces of the puzzle fell into place at last, just a hair too late.
Her last thought before the change occurred was that she was far overdue for a raise.
Dr. Moo drove her specialized black-spotted golf cart down the miles of subterranean passageways that criss-crossed beneath the entirety of 'Avisland'. (Davidowicz had refrained from dubbing it 'the Moo-mobile' ever since the doctor had threatened to have her bronzed and used for a hood ornament). For now the lab rat sat quietly in her usual place on the dashboard and watched the employees of the Happiest Place In the Known Universe scramble to get clear of the stampeding geneticist.
"Tell me again why I didn't install heat-seeking missiles behind the headlights?" Moo muttered as she got stuck behind some technicians doing the 5 mph speed limit in their own golf cart.
"Because Arnold Palmer ordered the last pair in stock" she answered, wincing as the doctor found an opening, swept alongside the technicians and rammed them off the corridor and into a Mountain Dew vending machine. "I knew NASCAR would be a bad influence on you…" she added.
Moo shrugged off the concerns with a small grin as the little electric car buzzed down the hallway. "Avis should be nearing the end of his speech, and the park is ready to go operational… I think we'd best make sure our guest is comfortable and prepared for a nice, long stay."
She turned down a tunnel clearly labeled "no outlet" and continued to the dim end of it. Davidowicz scurried up onto her boss's shoulder as Moo shut off the power and climbed out of the cart. Retrieving some keys from the pocket of her lab coat, the doctor fitted one into the padlock securing a large iron door with the words "authorized personnel only" scrawled in big red letters across it. Whistling cheerfully to herself she released the lock and threw open the door.
The room inside was surprisingly comfy for its uninviting entrance. In fact, it most resembled a clean (if cheap) motel room complete with multicolored bedspread (the better to hide stains) a dark Berber carpet, a television set bolted to the dresser and even a generic painting hung on the wall (color coordinated to the rest of the decor). In truth, all the furnishings had been acquired from one of Avisland's 'resort' hotels ($545 a night, $325 off-season, make reservations early). Seated on the bed, with her arms crossed angrily in front of her and with a disapproving frown on her lips was a truly remarkable mundane being… perhaps the most remarkable mundane being in existence.
"Good morning, Yi" Moo said cheerfully. "The bunnies say "hi"…"
"I don't understand" Fleabot was saying. "How could something like that have been built without anybody noticing it before?"
"Well… we haven't exactly been using the Happy Place as much as we used to…" Visionary pointed out.
"As I understand it, Yo was trapped here not too long ago by the Hooded Hood" Fleabot argued. "I'd think s/he'd have mentioned if someone had dropped a huge-ass amusement park down in the center of the place!"
That pretty much described it, Visionary had to concede. The purpose of the immense parking lot became clearer as they had walked… eventually becoming an unmistakably huge-ass amusement park. Roller-coasters twisted this way and that… a giant Ferris wheel stood near the center and various towers and geodesic domes sprouted here and there. A cheesy looking castle stood as the opening to the park and a monorail track weaved throughout the architecture. Beyond the park itself they could now make out hotels and a separate water park with slides and hydrotubes tangling into great blue knots. Well off in the distance was a 36-hole golf course… the only remaining bit of nature they could see. "Probably Astroturf" Fleabot had grumbled when Visionary pointed it out to him.
"Perhaps Yo didn't mention it because it was dropped here after s/he left" a raspy female voice suggested from behind them.
Visionary spun around to find a large black crow standing on the pavement preening its feathers.
"Raven, actually" the bird corrected his thoughts as she came to attention. "Ahem… Quoth, Junior Raven second-class, reporting as ordered sir!"
Visionary caught questioning glances from Asil and Fleabot. "Don't look at me…" he exclaimed, holding up his hands innocently, "I didn't even know crows could talk!"
The bird grimaced. "That's *Raven*, sir… if you don't mind."
"Apparently…" Asil noted to no one in particular, "Very strange things happen to very great men."
"Well… yes, but… I wouldn't worry" Visionary reassured her, "I'm sure things can't get any stranger."
Naturally, that's when the green light flashed in his eyes and he turned into a weasel.
"Ah, good…" Quoth exclaimed when Visionary poked his fuzzy head out from his crumpled up shirt, "…Yo's finally here. Maybe now we can get on with things."
Next Chapter: Explanations that help make sense out of this chapter! Really!
Visionary
